A traumatic event can occur in just seconds, but the effects can last far longer.
As a fatal shooting unfolded Halloween night at Vancouver Mall, hundreds of people, including children participating in a trick-or-treating event, fled the mall or sheltered in place.
Afterward, parents took to social media seeking ways to protect their children from the emotional impact of the incident, but those resources weren’t easy to find.
Two family therapists from the Children’s Center, a nonprofit that provides mental health services to youth in Clark County, are sharing the most effective — and ineffective — approaches to handling tough conversations with children.
Get Help
The Children’s Center provides mental health services to children and families in Clark County. To make an appointment, call 360-699-2244 or visit thechildrenscenter.org.
The Trauma Intervention Program is a local volunteer organization that provides emotional and practical support to victims of traumatic events and their families. The program has developed a comprehensive resource guide for the Vancouver/Portland area. For more information, visit clark.wa.gov/medical-examiner/resources.
Call or text 988 to reach a trained crisis counselor, or call the Clark County Crisis Line at 800-626-8137.
Text “HOME” to 741741 from anywhere in the U.S. to reach the Crisis Text Line.
It starts with providing a warm, consistent presence and answering any questions children might have, licensed therapist Sealy McMurrey said.
“Keeping it inside their head is going to make their emotions and fear really intense, especially in teenagehood when they’re already going through things,” McMurrey said. “It’s really important that they have a safe, important person, especially an adult, that they can talk through these things with.”
Reacting to trauma
The Children’s Center, 13500 S.E. Seventh St., serves children and youth ages 2-18. It provides outpatient services, telehealth appointments, and individual and group therapy sessions.
McMurrey, who is a social worker and child therapist, has been working with the Children’s Center for about two years.
She specializes in collective trauma, such as mass shootings and natural disasters, as well as child sexual abuse therapy.
McMurrey said it is not unusual to feel confused and scared after a traumatic event like the Halloween shooting.
No children were harmed in the Vancouver Mall shooting, but one man was killed and two others were wounded, according to the Vancouver Police Department.
Just being in a chaotic environment — like what unfolded as people fled the mall — is enough to affect a child’s emotional well-being, McMurrey said.
Trauma looks different for children of different age groups and developmental stages. There’s no one way you can expect a child to react to experiencing a traumatic event, McMurrey said. In her experience, children’s reactions to such an event depend on their relationships to their caregivers, as well as caregivers’ reactions.
“A lot of the time, traumatic stress shows up in different ways for children,” McMurrey said. “Sometimes, that can look like extreme avoidance or emotional outbursts. It could be a hard time sleeping, nightmares and sometimes, things show up in play.”
First and foremost, adults should respond with validation. Children need to know that the adults in their lives recognize their feelings, McMurrey said.
“Saying things like ‘I feel sad about this, too,’ or, ‘That’s a very scary situation,’ is so much more helpful to bring a child down from those heightened feelings of anxiety,” McMurrey said.
After a traumatic event, parents’ first instinct may be to change their children’s daily schedule by giving them a day off from school or letting them miss sports or an activity. But sticking to a set routine during times of uncertainty can be beneficial for children, McMurrey said.
“It’s much better for humans in the event of something that feels world-shaking to have the same routine that we always have,” she said.
McMurrey said that if parents are still processing a traumatic event, they should speak about their concerns out of earshot of their children.
“It’s not going to be automatic for the parents to want to do that, because maybe they also don’t know how to react,” she said. “But this is how the child is going to end up thinking about stressful situations in the future.”
Providing support
When is the right time to have these conversations?
Clinical supervisor and child therapist Heather Fairlee Denbrough said it’s best to do so right away.
“If it’s in your mind, it’s already in your child’s mind,” Denbrough said. “They’re already thinking about it, wondering about it and making attempts to process it.”
Denbrough has worked for the Children’s Center for nine years. She uses play therapy, like sand therapy, to help children to process trauma.
Denbrough said to begin by talking through the event in chronological order, from the moment it started to when your child felt safe again.
“Young children are just as individual as the rest of us in how we manage things,” she said. “Their experiences feel more significant, and they have many, many less words than we do to be able to express them.”
Avoid phrases like, “You’ll be OK,” “You’re fine” and “Shake it off.”
“Adults can be very dismissive about children’s feelings, perspectives,” Denbrough said. “That’s the opposite of what you want to be doing if you want kids to move through something in a way that is advantageous to their well-being.”
Denbrough said there are things parents can do to support children through a traumatic event so they don’t develop post-traumatic stress disorder.
It’s important to make sure children and teens aren’t shrinking away and withdrawing from their peers.
“Something that we talked about in the aftermath of the shooting is just noticing those things and being able to answer children’s questions, be with them and also being able to talk through things,” Denbrough said.
She recommends sensory play (bins of rice or lentils are good for this) and water play, like taking baths and swimming. Playing with clay or Play-Doh, and moving around in general, can be beneficial for younger children.
For older kids, Denbrough recommends painting and making crafts.
Teaching resilience
Teachers, paraeducators and other school staff can also watch for signs of trauma in children.
The Children’s Center partners with the Evergreen, La Center, Vancouver and Battle Ground school districts to extend mental health resources to teenagers and young adults, Executive Director Matthew Butte said.
School counselors can usually refer students to Children’s Center therapists, or a therapist can provide services on site for extra support.
If children have outbursts in class, it’s important not to chastise or shame them, because that could escalate their response. Instead, try talking to them one-on-one in a quiet place and giving them a chance to cool off, McMurrey said.
But how can parents prepare children for the possibility of a traumatic event without making them fearful?
McMurrey said one of the ways is to teach children resilience in everyday scenarios, and help them understand the way their bodies and nervous systems react in different situations.
“As adults, we forget how overwhelming the world can be for kids, even outside of traumatic events,” Denbrough said. “So giving a lot of grace to children, especially when they’ve experienced big things, is really the way forward to help these kids understand how to regulate themselves and how to respond.”
