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Singletary: Establish limits for boomerang children

By Michelle Singletary

Published: June 19, 2019, 6:02am

Once your children launched, you thought you were free, right? But for many parents, their adult children are moving back in for financial relief.

A Pew Research Center analysis of census data found that in 2014, for the first time in more than 130 years, adults 18 to 34 were slightly more likely to be living in their parents’ home than they were to be living with a spouse or partner in their own household.

What’s causing this trend? Several factors:

• The high cost of housing

• Burgeoning student debt

• An increased cost of living in many areas

• Slow or stagnant wage growth

• Poor job opportunities — even for adults with a college degree

So, the question for many parents is: Should they welcome back their grown birds into the nest?

This was a question that came up during one of my recent online discussions. Here’s the situation: “Adult daughter and her husband are going through a life transition,” a reader wrote. “She will be teaching school and her husband has a physically strenuous job, which he needs to leave. Fortunately, son-in-law has some good ideas. They have a starter townhouse they can sell or rent. If they move in with us parents, they can save money while he looks for the new job. He can do temp work in the meantime. Thanks to the teaching job, she can cover their insurance costs. Both are highly motivated and hard workers. In spite of the terrible economy when they graduated from college in 2009, they found work, just not the kind that will sustain a family. Is it crazy to invite them to stay with us?”

It’s not crazy at all. It’s a caring offer to welcome them into your home.

Before your adult child or his or her family move in with you, I recommend doing the following:

• Set an initial timeline. How long are you willing to host the couple? What if the job search takes a year — or two? If the son-in-law finds a job, is the expectation that they would move out right away?

You can always revisit any timeline you set, but at least be clear on how much time they have.

• Monitor the job-search process. I would want updates on how the job hunting is going. But you also don’t want to be annoying. Work out how often you want to hear about the employment situation and what information you’d like to receive.

• Be clear about their financial responsibilities. If you aren’t going to require rent — and, in this case, that’s understandable — you still need to work out who pays for what in regards to the household bills. If there’s a significant increase in the utilities, will you want them to pay the extra amount? Will they be responsible for buying their own food?

You don’t want to nickel and dime the couple, because they are trying to save. However, unspoken expectations of expenses you think they should pay can make things tense in the home.

• Talk about their discretionary spending. It’s bound to happen: They go to the movies too much or on shopping sprees. They’re eating out quite a bit. They take a Caribbean vacation. Then you feel resentful because you’re footing the majority of the bills while they appear to be living a little too well.

Don’t be timid about saying that, if you see reckless financial behavior, you will not be happy. You should tell them it could even result in a change in your agreement (such as charging them rent).

• Leaving nothing unsaid. If you have any reservations or concerns about anything, bring it up before the move.

No matter how responsible and hardworking your adult child, the best-laid plans can go awry. To mitigate the issues that will come up, establish some boundaries for your boomerang adult.

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