Through her research and conversations with other women she found there was a lot of interest in having conversations about not having children, whether if it’s by choice or by circumstance.
“We worry about hurting feelings. We worry about having to be defensive. We worry about being encouraged to change our minds,” she said. “The experience is just different. It’s not better or worse. It’s just different.”
She hopes her book will be a resource for younger women trying to picture what the rest of their life could look like without children.
Women share stories of why they became moms – or not
The Columbian asked women in Clark County why they had children later in life or chose not to have children at all. These are their stories, culled from some of their emailed responses.
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Jennifer Jacobson wasn’t really interested in starting a family in her 20s. She graduated college, worked, traveled, dated and went to grad school. When her niece was born, she started thinking she might want to have children some day. She and her husband dated for two years, got married and had their first child about a year later. “I’m 48 now and my kids are 10 and 12. I absolutely love my life and feel like I made the right choices for me. I have a great husband and career and my kids are the world to me,” Jacobson wrote.
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When Tammy Ross got married at age 32, she and her husband had custody of her 3-year-old nephew. The couple had a son in 2002, a daughter in 2006 and formally adopted Ross’ nephew. “I always wanted a large family. It never really occurred to me that post-30 was risky. I was healthy, I felt good, and I was totally ready for biological children,” Ross wrote. Although her first marriage ended with divorce, Ross, who’s now 52, said she would still love to have another child with her second husband. “I realize that that time has passed, but my heart would certainly welcome a baby even if the rest of my body said, ‘girl, chill,’” she wrote.
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Samantha Will worked at a child care center, YMCA and Volunteers of America and went to nanny school, so she was often around children. Before going to school, she was diagnosed with polycystic kidney disease, an inherited disease where cysts develop in the kidneys. Several other people in her family also have this disease. As Will got older, her health issues ramped up, and she switched to office work. Though she still occasionally baby-sits and works as a part-time nanny, she chose not to have children so they wouldn’t inherit the disease and other genetic health issues in her family. “I am very comfortable with my decision and know that I have made a difference in the lives of many children over the years,” wrote Will, who’s now 52.
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After getting divorced at age 28, Christy Olson increased her education and income. Around age 30, she decided to not have children. “I really like getting to use my money on my own needs, rather than the massive expenses incurred in raising a child. I also have chronic health conditions and have limited energy. I do not think I would be a good parent because I don’t have the energy for it,” Olson wrote. She said if she ever changed her mind, she would adopt.
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When Jamie Keiser’s mother was pregnant with her, she took diethylstilbestrol, or DES, a drug prescribed between 1940 and 1971 that was supposed to prevent miscarriages and other pregnancy problems; however, those exposed to the drug were at an increased risk for developing some health problems. Keiser said she would’ve had trouble conceiving a child. As she entered her late 30s, she realized that for her “the desire to have children was more a side effect of the societal pressures put on women that they are expected to marry and have children. I came to a place where I realize that wasn’t my path.” She wondered what kind of world her child would inherit, given current environmental and political issues. “Now, nearing my 50s, I am aware that not having children was the right thing to do,” she wrote. Not having children means she doesn’t have to deal with the emotional, financial or relationship stress that comes with parenting.
— Patty Hastings