Some people might not understand where Jeana Diaz was coming from.
After all, it was just a heating system. Diaz’s grandmother Jean Marquiss died at age 80 in 2013, and then her grandfather Max died at 79 five months later. Diaz moved into her grandparents’ Vancouver home after they died, and she wanted to get rid of her grandparents’ two wood stoves, which kept the house warmer than she needed.
Diaz eventually replaced the wood stoves with pellet stoves, but that process was harder than it might seem.
The wood stoves reminded Diaz, a 42-year-old schoolteacher, of her grandparents. Giving up the stoves was giving up a piece of them. For a couple of years before her grandmother died of pancreatic cancer, Diaz and her now 10-year-old son, Alex, would drive down from Raymond to visit her grandparents each weekend. Diaz and Alex would spend summers with her grandparents on their Central Oregon property. They would take Alex to the Oregon Zoo, and watch cartoons with him.
“It’s creating a new normal,” Diaz said of living without grandparents. “It’s not good or bad or indifferent, but you’ve created this new normal way of life.”
That new way of life was partially discovered through PeaceHealth Hope Bereavement Services’ Stepping Stones family grief support program. Diaz and Alex enrolled in Stepping Stones for two years after the death of her grandparents. It promoted discussion between her and Alex and allowed them to open up.
Diaz said she and Alex couldn’t really talk about her grandparents after they died. But with the help of Stepping Stones, they are now able to express when it is a sad day, or that they miss Jean and Max. “It’s kind of like an ocean,” Diaz said of grief. “Oceans come and go.”
Diaz said Stepping Stones made her realize things would get better. As part of the program, Alex made artwork to help with grief. Diaz also participated in group discussions and had to share with people. Both of them went to a camp retreat through the Stepping Stones program.
“It’s kind of like part of a community or something,” Alex said.
“You get to tell your story, but you have to tell your story,” Diaz added. “Every time you tell your story, it’s a process that’s like healing.”
A chance to enjoy the moment
Washougal residents Steve Snow, 41, and his wife, Michelle Moon, 46, went through Stepping Stones and the hospice program with their son, Alex, 10, for the death of their 5-year-old daughter, Julianna, in 2016. Steve and Michelle said hospice was helpful because it allowed them to savor their final months with their daughter.
“It gives you that chance to take a moment and enjoy the moment instead of having to try to push through,” Snow said. “And by enjoying the moment, there’s actually a lot of healing that goes on instead of constantly fighting and fighting. You can take a moment to enjoy the person you’re going to lose. You can create memories that you can hold on to for the rest of your life.”
On hospice, Julianna was able to complete a Mother’s Day painting, which is now displayed above the family’s fireplace. They also made a book of stories she told with watercolor illustrations, and Alex got to read the book to Julianna. The book is named “Julianna’s Adventures.”
Moon said Stepping Stones helped the family learn to how to deal with grief. It’s a process that’s different for everyone. As Snow said, “Grief is unique to the person. Even though we’re married, we’ve been in very different places of our grief walk pretty much the whole time.”
Moon said there are tons of books and shows you’re introduced to when pregnant, but she said she wasn’t sure where to turn when faced with Julianna’s death.
“Where are the resources when you’re going to lose a child? There’s nothing,” she said. “We really didn’t start getting that support until we entered hospice.”
Snow said kids can come up with their own rationale for death, and sometimes their rationale is off. Kids might blame themselves for the death of a loved one, even if it isn’t their fault at all. Moon and Snow said Stepping Stones helped the family embrace openness.
“Kids know so much and think so much, but they’re not going to share it unless they know that you’re OK with that,” Moon said. “That you’re not going to break down, and they are not going to be met with a wall. It’s a very uncomfortable thing, and once you go through it and you talk about it, what’s going to happen and what could happen, then they feel safer to talk about things. I’m so glad because they need to talk about things.”
