McFeatters: Gifts for your hard-to-buy-for politician

Attorney General William Barr went around the world at taxpayer expense searching for proof that the Russia investigation started out of bias against Trump, not ties with Russians that seemed inexplicable. The inspector general who Barr put in charge of this pointless mission finally reported to Congress that Barr was just flat-out wrong, no premeditated bias.

We want Barr to have Sharper Image’s levitating fern, which draws moisture from the air and floats in midair. Hours of fun and pointless speculation in the office.

Adam Schiff, Democratic chair of the House Intelligence Committee, which held hours of impeachment hearings, almost never gets to go home to the weekend warmth of California and his constituents.

We go again to Sharper Image for its $100 “everlasting” red or white rose in a bell jar for Schiff.

Perfect presents

Everybody has given up trying to figure out South Carolina Republican Sen. Lindsey Graham, chair of the Senate Judiciary Committee, who used to be best friends with John McCain, now deceased, and now is best friends with Trump, who was sworn enemies with the Vietnam War hero.

Graham spins every attack on Trump with passion and pointlessness. He should have the Vermont Country Store’s gyroscope, which “spins, dances, balances, is fascinating fun for all ages, is simple to use, mysterious to explain and comes with pedestal and case.”

Now we come to the four non-amigo Democrats, former vice president Joe Biden, Senator Elizabeth Warren, Senator Bernie Sanders and South Bend, Ind., Mayor Pete Buttigieg. Currently, they seem to be heading the pack eager to oust Trump from office.

Biden needs a memory aid. Asked at a town hall in New England who would be his running mate, he picked four women but couldn’t actually identify them.

Warren needs a calculator. She proposed a $20.5 trillion health care plan when the annual federal budget is $4.4 trillion.

Sanders, who is 78 and recently had a heart attack, needs one of those headphones that immerses you in a virtual reality, 3D experience, from the comfort of your Barcalounger.

Buttigieg, 37, often criticized for a lack of widespread political experience, speaks English, Spanish, French, Italian, Maltese, Norwegian, Arabic and Dari, a variation of Persian. He needs a translation device that lets you communicate with people over 50.

Trump, who is technically obese but lies about it, could use the Sharper Image Fat Freezer Chin and Neck Sculpting System, using cryolipolysis technology to make your neck look slimmer.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.