Cindy Falter takes her spot at a large rectangular table with a half-dozen other people at the National Alliance on Mental Illness Southwest Washington.
Two women hold dogs on their laps. A couple of men sip on water bottles, and everyone has a name sign in front of them. The weekly group Falter leads, along with John McDonald, is called Connection and is a mental health support group that focuses on connecting with each other, checking in with each other and sharing resources.
They start by running through the group guidelines, and then move to the 12 principles of support, each person reading a principle before finally settling on the final principle. They read it together, aloud:
“We’ll never give up hope.”
Falter, a 63-year-old Vancouver resident, can connect with that mantra, as she’s not only coping with her mental illnesses, but thriving as a peer support counselor, and a Social Security benefit adviser with NAMI. Falter’s journey to her present life was fraught with setbacks, including about eight suicide attempts that stem from her struggles with bipolar disorder and depression, and the manic swings that have accompanied those diseases.
How to Participate
For Suicide Awareness and Prevention Month, the National Alliance on Mental Illness Southwest Washington will place Life Rocks to build suicide awareness. Volunteers have painted 1,000 rocks. This month, you can spot the rocks, which will be placed throughout Clark, Skamania, Cowlitz, and Wahkiakum counties. The rocks are artistic and carry messages of hope, love and acceptance. If you find a rock, visit namiswwa.org to tell your rock story so NAMI can share it. You can keep the rock, move it or gift it.
Resources
• The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline can be reached around the clock at 1-800-273-8255.
• The Southwest Washington Crisis Line can be reached around the clock at 800-626-8137.
• To text with a trained crisis counselor, text “HOME” to 741741, the Crisis Text Line.
• NAMI SW WA can be reached at 360-695-2823.
In 1984, Falter was diagnosed with depression. She was in the midst of taking care of her mother, who had suffered a stroke. At the time the diagnosis made it look like she was just depressed because of the situation around her. In 1988 her mother died, after Falter had taken care of her for 12 years. That exacerbated Falter’s depression.
“I didn’t realize it at the time, even though I had a hard time taking care of her and trying to work and everything, it still kept me going. Afterwards, I didn’t really have anything,” Falter says. “I spent the 12 years before — care-giving is a hard job and it takes a lot out of you, and you ignore a lot of your own stuff that needs to be done. When that’s gone, though, you’re lost.”
Falter’s first suicide attempt came the next year, 1989, the same year she was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. All of Falter’s suicide attempts came from trying to overdose on pills, even though she did consider jumping from bridges. One time, she visited the St. Johns Bridge in Portland on a rainy day with that thought in mind.
“It didn’t look deep enough,” Falter says. “It didn’t look like it was going to kill me, and that’s what I wanted. I wanted to be dead. I didn’t want to suffer or become (incapacitated). I just wanted to be dead.”
Falter’s final suicide attempt came in 2004, and ended with her in an intensive care unit with a breathing tube down her throat. Her brother visited her, and she could see how much he was hurting seeing her in that place — she had hidden the severity of her struggles from him.
“I just can’t do this anymore to my family,” Falter thought. “I finally realized this doesn’t work. It took me years to do that.”
Because of the manic swings, Falter had accumulated credit card debt from spending sprees on unnecessary purchases that didn’t last. At one time, she had 11 credit cards going at once. The first time, it took her three years to work off the debt, and the second time, it took six years. Falter utilized credit counseling to help.
After that suicide attempt in 2004, Falter’s life started to be more balanced. After a five-year wait, she was able to acquire Section 8 housing assistance. She underwent state training in Tacoma for peer support, and then took training to help people understand and obtain their Social Security benefits. Now, for the past six years, she’s been helping in those areas with NAMI.
“The therapists and psychiatrists — not all, but the majority of them — they don’t know what it feels like,” Falter said. “Just being able to have somebody who understands what it feels like to have a mental illness. Just with the stigma and medication changes and what you have to go through to survive sometimes. We understand.”
Consistently taking her medication has been key for Falter. She also recommends advocating for yourself, speaking up, when visiting therapists and psychiatrists. If a medication isn’t working, let the providers know, Falter says. Falter explained that she has to switch her medication every three to five years.
Falter’s time with NAMI has been an integral part of her rebound. She likes how people at NAMI understand what she’s dealing with, and how accommodating they are. Falter’s work desk is higher to accommodate her wheelchair — she has bulging and narrowing disks in her back, and lacks knee cartilage — and they’ve given her computer special software to reduce the barrier posed by an eye disorder.
Falter loves her work at NAMI because she gets to help others, who are in similar spots to her. At the connection meeting, Falter explains she’s excited for the impending start of a youth church program she’ll help with. She already teaches Sunday school for young children at Evergreen Bible Church in Vancouver. Keeping busy is one of the most helpful parts of Falter’s recovery process.
“It’s hard at first to realize that this is going to be your life, but it’s not so bad once you get into recovery,” Falter says. “You realize that this is just like any other disease. You’ve got to treat it and go with it.”