Dear Mr. President,
OK, OK, those first 100 days were a real mess, right? Look, I know you’re the spin master, and you love to blame absolutely everybody else for your shortcomings, but — come on, sir — it’s beginning to feel more and more like your training for this most important gig is coming from Honey Boo Boo.
Let’s hope this second 100 days will be much, much more outstanding, terrific, tremendous. You can begin with fewer adjectives and more complete sentences.
Now, before I get into the crux of this letter, I want to be upfront with you, Mr. President. I’m part of the mainstream media. You say you hate us, but I’m pretty sure you secretly admire us. Maybe even love us. I bet if we met, you might want to give me a kiss. No kidding. Hey once — OK, twice — I kissed a politician. How can we be so bad with kissing going on? So less name calling and more smooching. Trust me.
But I digress. The point of this letter, Mr. President, is your campaign pledge to drain the swamp. Remember, Mr. President? Sure, you do. And this isn’t like all those other campaign promises you went back on, Mr. President. This was the mother of all pledges, Mr. President. The “This is the big one! You hear that, Elizabeth? I’m coming to see ya, honey!” pledge.