The moment I read the phrase, “Tyrannosaurus rex was a sensitive lover, new dinosaur discovery suggests,” I thought it sounded like the opening line to a dinosaur’s Tinder profile.
Turns out it was just the headline on a Guardian article covering new research suggesting that T. rex dinosaurs had hypersensitive snouts that could have been used in mating.
But I rather like the idea of a dating profile for a dinosaur. So, in a fit of caffeine-induced absurdity, I decided to write one myself :
T Rex, Hell Creek Formation, last active 66 million years ago.
Likes: Snout-rubbing and raw Endomontosaurus steak dinners. Dislikes: Triceratops, asteroids. I might be big, but I’m light on my feet; these bones are hollow. Don’t let my tiny hands fool you — I’ve been called a sensitive lover.
But a dating app is no use to a lonely dino if he’s the only guy on it. So I emailed a bunch of paleontologists and asked whether they would be willing to create a profile for their favorite dinosaurs.
Turns out, crafting a profile that will charm a dinosaur is even harder than trying to date a human.
But paleontologists are a pretty resourceful bunch. Not to mention hilarious (and surprisingly raunchy). Here’s how they would attempt to woo a dinosaur mate. Which would you swipe right on?
Dreadnoughtus schrani: One of history’s largest land animals, this gigantic South American sauropod was discovered in 2014.
Full-bodied sauropod, enjoys standing and eating. Turnoffs: Interrupting me while I’m eating; things I can’t eat; gravity. If you’re into doing terrible things to ferns, drop me a line and we’ll defoliate together.
— Kenneth Lacovara, paleontologist at Rowan University
Anzu wyliei: A gigantic oviraptor species unofficially known as “the chicken from Hell.”
SD > ND > MT. Snacks on fruit, lizards, mammals, and triceratops eggs. Likes flashy wing and tail plumage and a great head crest. Daddy to 22 beautiful chicks. 7′ 5″ so you gotta be tall. No comparisons to poultry please. :) LOL
— Matthew Lamanna, assistant curator of vertebrate paleontology at the Carnegie Museum of Natural History
Parasaurolophus walkeri: A North American duck-billed dinosaur with nasal passages that may have produced a swanlike honk and an elaborate head crest that could have been used as a resonating chamber to magnify the noises.
I’ll sing you a song of the dinoland. I am the best tooter on my block. Applying for Juilliard next year. Although some of my best work may sound like farting noises, I think I just have a new sound that is too fresh for some. I am just misunderstood. But I promise if you let me mate with you, I will help watch the eggs 20 percent of the time.
— Carrie Levitt-Bussian, paleontology collections manager at the Natural History Museum of Utah
Oviraptor: A genus of small birdlike dinosaurs that lived in Mongolia during the late Cretaceous.
I am new to Mongolia and I’m looking for my partner in crime. I love to run, hunt, and currently working on some mating rituals — perhaps you can critique my mating dance and feather displays ;) I consider myself a feminist — I have no problem brooding eggs while you’re out with your friends or at work! And yes, I do preen my feathers regularly!
— Eric Gorscak, paleontologist at the Field Museum of Natural History
Tyrannosaurus rex: Looks like my T. rex has some competition.
Fitness-minded apex predator with plenty of “rex” appeal looking for a tyrant lizard queen. Let’s grab triceratops tacos and watch the sun set over the Western Interior Seaway.
About me: love whiskey, travel, and working out. Biceps looking great but have some trouble with pushups. Can’t run faster than 10 mph, but then again, neither can you. Eggs in the picture are my sister’s.
The asteroid is coming so I’m not looking for anything serious. Basically just DTF (Down To Fossilize), but I’m cool to hang out and rub snouts afterwards. Not into vegetarians, smokers, drama, middle-age women (under 14 OK). Please be under 5 tons.
13 feet tall because apparently that’s important to you ladies …
— Sarah Werning, paleontologist at Des Moines University
