Singletary: Financial ‘House Rules’ may be in order

One example: If someone is watching a television program, you can’t come into the room and change the channel.

Silly?

Maybe. But every day when we leave our homes, there are rules we all have to obey. So why shouldn’t we establish guidelines within our homes to dampen the drama, especially around finances, which can be a very hot topic.

Studies show one of the top issues that can derail a marriage is money. Well, as therapists like to point out, the underlying cause of the friction is really the emotional baggage that people drag into the marriage that manifests in financial fights.

I’d like to share four financial “House Rules” that have helped keep peace in my marriage over the last quarter-century:

• Commit to being transparent. Every penny spent or earned should be disclosed. No secrets.

In a survey released earlier this year, the National Endowment for Financial Education found that 42 percent of U.S. adults admit to financial unfaithfulness. And not surprisingly, when there’s deception, 75 percent of respondents said it affected their relationship. Couples hide purchases, income, bank accounts, cash and credit card debt.

Even if you decide to keep separate bank accounts, your spouse should have access to all the information. (If you’re in an abusive relationship in which you need to save money to get to safety, that’s different.)

• Communicate regularly. In another survey released this year, TB Bank found that couples who talk about their finances at least once a week say they are happier than those who have such conversations every few months.

One conversation you need to regularly schedule is a look at your net worth statement. Your net worth is the value of all assets, minus all your liabilities.

When my husband and I counsel couples about their finances, we have them first do a net worth statement, which is an overview of your family’s financial health. Often we find couples are arguing about their debt while not realizing that overall their net worth is pretty good.

Bankrate.com has an online net worth calculator with a list of definitions to help you identify your assets and liabilities.

• Come up with a code. You need to do something that will de-escalate disagreements.

My husband and I decided we would buzz one another if we violated any “House Rule” or if we were becoming too upset or disrespectful.

Together, think of a sound or phrase that can help during heated battles. Find something that amuses you both.

• Confide in each other. Your spouse ought to be your financial best friend. Share all your fears and frustrations about money. Talk about your goals.

But in order for your spouse to feel comfortable sharing, you have to establish a safety zone. Be respectful at all times. Listen more than you talk. You’ve got one mouth and two ears for a reason.

Michelle Singletary welcomes comments and column ideas. Reach her in care of The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. N.W., Washington, DC 20071; or singletarym@washpost.com.