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Singletary: Ring not as important as person offering it

By Michelle Singletary

Published: July 22, 2016, 6:01am

I have, what I think, is a nice engagement-ring story.

I often talk to couples about money, and one thing I always emphasize is the importance of finding someone with the same financial values. So I use my ring story to illustrate how my husband, Kevin, and I realized we were financially compatible.

Before I got engaged, I had read somewhere that if your man loved you, he should at least get you a 1-carat diamond engagement ring. During our discussion about getting married, Kevin went shopping with the four Cs of diamond-buying in mind — cut, color, clarity and carat weight. Once he selected the stone, he invited me to the store to view it before he proposed. All I wanted to know was its weight.

“Is it 1 carat?” I asked.

“Well, honey,” Kevin started.

“I don’t want it,” I said, rolling my head in indignation.

It was a defining moment in our relationship. Here I was, a self-described penny pincher putting pressure on the guy I wanted to marry to buy me a ring outside his financial comfort zone.

To his credit, Kevin didn’t budge or bicker.

“This is the best-quality diamond I can afford with the money I’ve saved,” he said. “If you want to get married, this is the ring that comes along with me. I hope you say yes.”

His comments made me rethink my ring position.

I could have made a big deal about the size of that diamond — or recognized I was about to marry a man with financial integrity. I thought, if he can say no to me, he’ll be able to one day say no to our kids when they want things we can’t afford or to relatives who plead for us to assist them financially with money we don’t have.

I said yes to the ring.

I’m telling you this story because, during a recent online discussion, a reader wrote the following: “An engagement ring is too expensive! How can people afford it?”

I responded: “When Beyonc? sings, ‘If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it,’ that doesn’t mean you have to go broke putting a ring on it. Do what you can afford, and if your intended isn’t happy, that’s a red flag!”

Then came a number of people with their frugal engagement-ring testimonies. For this column and next, I’d like to share their stories.

“My now husband gave me an amount he was willing to spend,” one reader wrote. “I found a ring I liked. Turns out, he meant that amount for engagement ring and wedding bands. He paid for the engagement ring. I paid for the wedding bands. Problem solved.”

Another wrote: “Fiance bought a cheap-o ring off Amazon to propose. He didn’t know my ring size, so he wanted to buy me a ring of my choice after proposing. I said, ‘I don’t want a ring.’ When we got married, my ring cost $45 — my grandma’s simple band.”

From another reader: “I knew I had found the right man when my (now) husband proposed to me with a note rather than a ring because he didn’t want to start our married life with debt. My favorite aunt had a family heirloom ring that she had been planning to leave me (unbeknownst to me at the time). I get to think of her (now deceased) every day I put my rings on after 10-plus years of happy marriage.”

I also received this similar story: “Not everyone has this option, but my husband and I used a family diamond and had it reset. Saved us a lot of money, and the ring has even more sentimental value!”

Someone else said her soon-to-be son-in-law used a diamond from an unused family ring his mother gave him.

I loved this final point from a reader: “It is possible to be engaged without a ring. I was. There were some awkward moments. But I have been married far longer than I was engaged, and I wear a diamond (my mom’s) set in my wedding band.”

I didn’t get the ring I wanted, but I got the man I needed.

Michelle Singletary welcomes comments and column ideas. Reach her in care of The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. N.W., Washington, DC 20071; or singletarym@washpost.com.

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