The college football season is officially underway.
And the unpredictably of college football is one reason we love it.
But some things will surely happen. Like Nike or Vernon Adams becoming eligible, they just can’t be stopped.
So here are 12 things that will absolutely, positively happen during this Pac-12 football season:
1 Oregon will win the conference, but nobody will be there to see it. Extending its closed-practice policy to all matters, Oregon will ban spectators and non-school-affiliated media from watching the team at any time.
2 At least once, Steve Sarkisian will mistakenly bring a cocktail menu to the sidelines instead of his playbook. But USC wins when Cody Kessler throws a touchdown on Double Tequila Sunrise Silver Option.
3 Desperate to beat Oregon like he did at Boise State, Washington coach Chris Petersen will have the Husky Stadium turf painted purple. New sponsor Alaska Airlines will express its annoyance, because referring to the venue as Alaska Airlines Field at Husky Stadium is not annoying at all.
4 Washington State will attempt zero running plays during a game. Down by one point after a last-second touchdown, the Cougs will lose when they try to run the ball on the ensuing two-point conversion.
5 Oregon State fans will gasp when, for the first time in 12 years, their head football coach shouts a four-letter word that isn’t “gosh” or “darn.”
6 Rampant crime, $8 tolls and oppressive taxation will force the cancellation of at least one UW home game. After all, a light-rail station will open outside Husky Stadium next year.
7 Because having Sean “Diddy” Combs’ and Snoop Dogg’s sons on scholarship worked out so well, UCLA will make an offer to Kanye West’s two-year-old, North, who will be kicked off the team by age four for acting like a spoiled kid.
8 WSU coach Mike Leach, who last year said technology will someday rob humans of the ability to interact and procreate, will recruit exclusively by telegraph.
9 During a heated moment against rival Arizona State, the face of Arizona coach Rich Rodriguez will turn so steaming red it will inspire the next incarnation of the Sun Devils mascot.
10 Stanford mathematicians will develop a formula by which Kevin Hogan will have unlimited eligibility. He has already been Stanford’s quarterback for what, eight years now?
11 By the end of the season, Oregon will be homing in on who its quarterback will be next year. They’ll have their sights narrowed to three Big Sky schools.
12 Despite college football fans being the most thick-skinned, level-headed and rational people on Earth, at least one person will take this column too seriously.
Micah Rice is The Columbian’s Sports Editor. Reach him at 360-735-4548, micah.rice@columbian.com or via Twitter @col_mrice.
