Singletary: Kids should not set parents’ financial priorities

The battle: The adult children are upset that their mother and stepfather are neglecting the maintenance of their home in favor of other spending choices. 

“They only put money (her money) into (the house) when there is an emergency, like a leaky roof that ruined the walls and ceilings in a few rooms, which they haven’t repaired. The house also has a couple of collapsing plaster ceilings and needs major work.”

The siblings feel that their mother and stepfather are stuck in a dysfunctional relationship where neither one wants to be responsible. 

“They have the money for cars, two motorcycles for him, and multiple vacations a year, but they just won’t take care of the house. They don’t want to talk about it, but they are never going to be in better shape than they are now, physically or financially. We kids, all with our own houses and expenses, are pained by this. … It’s not nice to visit, we hate to see them living like this, and eventually we are going to inherit a broken-down house filled to the brim with their stuff.

“We also don’t want to pay for this, because they have the money!” the reader added. “What can we do?”

The bottom line: This is about more than just a shabby house. 

I don’t have any more background or the ability to ask follow-up questions because the query came in through my weekly online discussion, where people post anonymously. But there were a few statements that really jumped out.

• “The house belongs to my mother.” 

• “She has always paid for the household expenses.”

• “They only put money (her money) into (the house) when there is an emergency.” 

Note the focus on the mother’s funds being spent.

And the language is important. It seems to me that some of the angst may stem from the feeling that the mother is carrying too much of the financial load. 

But is she being taken advantage of? 

Perhaps the mother and stepfather are operating their marriage in a way where there isn’t a split of financial responsibility. They may not see it as “yours” and “mine” when it comes to what’s spent. But even if they keep separate accounts, it’s not really the business of their children how they choose to spend their household funds. Why do they even know who pays for what? Such information shouldn’t be common knowledge. 

As for the house, let’s look at the reader’s concerns:

• “It’s not nice to visit.” So don’t visit. Have them come to your house. 

If you decide to stop going by, explain why. Perhaps then they may want to fix things up. 

• “We hate to see them living like this.” If you’re really alarmed and can afford it, pool some funds and address the home issues that may jeopardize their health or that of visitors. 

Maybe the couple sees the repairs as just cosmetic and would rather spend what money they have, and the remaining part of their lives, enjoying themselves.

By their actions, your mother and stepfather have decided that their home’s appearance isn’t a financial priority.

If they were much older and you suspected dementia issues were impeding their judgment and, as a result, they were putting themselves in harm’s way by not making certain repairs, then you could get legal advice about how to protect them. However, this doesn’t appear to be the case.

• “Eventually we are going to inherit a broken-down house filled to the brim with their stuff.”

I believe there is legitimate concern for the mother and stepfather’s well-being, but there’s also some self-interest at play. If you inherit the house, you’ll just have to do what a lot of heirs do when they find themselves in a similar situation. Accept whatever you’re left with in the estate. And yes, this might mean the headache of dealing with a dilapidated house. 

You might not get as much of an inheritance as you would like had they made different financial choices. But keep in mind that whatever you get is a gift, not an entitlement. 

Michelle Singletary welcomes comments and column ideas. Reach her in care of The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. N.W., Washington, DC 20071; or singletarym@washpost.com.