I like me some conspiracy theories. No, really. I do!
There was that one theory about Martians living out at Area 51 in Nevada, mostly playing bocce to pass the time. We’ve kept them bottled up, I’m told, because if they took over the bocce world, Italy’s economy would collapse.
I was skeptical, because I am a master bocce ball player. No way would the Martians be any good if they didn’t invite me over for some tips. You might be saying right about now, “But, Lou, if you were invited, you would expose them because everyone knows you can’t keep a secret.” True, I am a news guy, but all they’d have to do is inject me with some secret sauce that would make me forget I was there.
So — now that I think about it — maybe I was there! Maybe I got the secret sauce. Maybe that’s what that red blotch on my arm is all about.
o o o
Then there was the “Elvis is alive and owns a feed store near Yacolt” conspiracy. No. Really.
He’s the 80-year-old you see cleaning out the spittoons, enjoying the simple life.
It makes perfect sense for him to stay on the down-low. I mean, who would want to live out his life in some penthouse above the Vegas Strip, having his fingernails polished by Madonna? Right?
Our Web polls
It’s not quite Martians or Elvis, but we have our very own conspiracy theories right here at The Columbian. There’s a bunch of them, of course. But one popped up just this week. Ready?
I’m rigging the unscientific Web poll we have up now.
You heard it here first. And my motivation? Well, heck, I don’t know.
Truth is, I don’t care how these polls come out, no matter what the question. They’re simply there for your enjoyment.
Readers do like them. It gives them a little say in a world that never seems to listen.
We always get hundreds of votes on a poll, and on occasion even more.
This week’s poll (did I say it was unscientific?) concerned whom we might like as the next Vancouver mayor. Last week, I wrote about Mayor Tim Leavitt’s deciding not to run for re-election in two years. In that column, I said Councilors Jack Burkman and Alishia Topper are already jockeying for the mayor’s job.
So Monday morning, I decided to use our Web poll — it’s unscientific, by the way — to see what readers thought of Burkman and Topper as mayoral candidates.
I didn’t think much of it until I heard some rumblings. Apparently, a few folks were trying to vote for Burkman but those votes — they said — weren’t sticking.
Now, if you’re reading between the lines — I love doing that — that means the poll was rigged to make sure Burkman would lose.
Huh?
I like Burkman. Said as much in my column last week. Bright guy. Knows the city. He has his flaws, of course, but we all do.
Still, I checked with our IT folks to make sure the poll was working properly. And it was.
But is it possible when you hit the vote button that it doesn’t count? Of course.
Let me explain. And I’m about to speak in an alien language — computer talk — so please pay attention.
Our polls — they’re unscientific — are set up to allow you to vote once. Yes, there are devious ways to get around that, but that’s supposed to be the deal.
So one way for your vote not to count is — are you ready? — to vote twice!
But how do we know if you’ve already voted? Good question. And here’s where it gets tricky.
Our computers can read your computer’s IP address. IP stands for Internet Protocol. It is a unique set of coded numbers that allows your computer to speak to another computer. When you vote, our computer writes down your address. If you try to vote again, our computer will recognize your IP address and won’t count the vote.
But (there’s always a but) it gets even trickier.
You might think each computer has a unique IP address. You’d be thinking wrong.
Let’s use The Columbian as an example. We have several hundred computers here, but only a few IP addresses. So if a person voted on our poll here, the system wouldn’t allow another person to vote here, even if they were on a different computer.
Capisce?
Having said all of that, the poll came out about as expected. If Burkman and Topper both ran for mayor, it would be a real dogfight. But it was only a battle for second place. Who was the overwhelming winner? “Someone else, please!”
So sit back, relax and — if you’re not doing anything today — enjoy our Web polls.
Me? I’m going outside to sharpen my bocce skills. You never know when I might be invited back to Area 51.
