As a parent, I’m constantly talking to my children about what’s fair, especially when it comes to what my husband and I spend on them.
My oldest, a junior in college, occasionally gives me the “stink eye” when her sister or brother gets things that she didn’t have at the same age. Sometimes she’s right in pointing out the unfairness and we apologize. My husband and I try to keep things as equal as possible, but parental fatigue can get the best of us.
In a recent column, I addressed the issue of financial favoritism by parents. A reader complained that his parents are overly generous to his two sisters, whom he believed didn’t deserve the financial help because they “constantly have new clothes, bags, etc.” They don’t save like he does, he pointed out.
“I make more than they do, which is my parents’ reasoning for the unequal treatment,” he wrote. “It also bothers me because I worked hard (and planned well) to get where I am today.”
Some of you took issue with my advice to this resentful reader. I suggested the way to handle the situation is to stop looking at what his sisters are getting and be grateful that he has established financial stability for himself and his family.
A few readers took me to task for not taking the parents to task. On occasion, I’ve been letting readers argue their points in the Color of Money “Talk Back” feature.
“Yes, you’re right, life isn’t fair,” one woman wrote. “But you assign zero credibility to human emotions. Most people would indeed be upset. How about acknowledging the same?”
In my column, I did acknowledge — and, in fact, sympathized with — the original reader’s feelings. But the question he put to me was how to get past what he felt is punishment for being a good money manager.
“I have to deal with this for many years to come, so my question for you is: How do I not let this affect my relationship with my parents and sisters?”
I thought he was being quite self-aware by asking for help in such a way. He didn’t ask what I thought of his parents’ actions. He didn’t ask what he could say to his parents to get them to give him more. He recognized the need to get control of his feelings. In this type of situation, you have a choice. You can be jealous and act childish. Or you can behave like an adult and figure out how to be OK with the financial choices and behaviors of others.
I get that many see injustice when parents aren’t as generous with adult children who are doing well for themselves.
“I seldom disagree with your advice,” one reader wrote. “But I disagree about treating the children differently. If all had an equal chance at education and the same intellectual functioning, the parents are setting the kids up to have issues all their lives. And God help them when they have to share an inheritance when the parents die. Why would you not reward a child who is doing everything right? And nothing I read indicated the girls are doing anything to improve their lot in life if the money is being spent on fancy clothes and such. Now if one is staying home because they have a disabled child or such, I would understand and I think the brother would too. But if all things are equal, he’s being penalized for doing well. Yes, it’s their money, but this is a bad decision. Rethink this one, my girl!”
I’ve re-evaluated my advice and, respectfully, I wouldn’t change what I recommended. Besides, rarely in life are all things equal. Children growing up in the same household and with the same lessons can develop different financial and life skills.
Parents should avoid enabling the bad financial behavior of their children. It’s not good for the child they are assisting, and it can result in acrimony between siblings. Yet it happens — all the time.
So if the parents are enablers, the children not receiving the same level of financial support have to figure out a way to deal with feeling they are losing out because they are responsible.
It’s like what my husband and I tell our oldest. If you always expect fairness, you will be disappointed all your life. You also need to recognize that what you think is unfair could be seen as fair to parents whose decisions are influenced by so many things, including their own childhood histories and their resources and careers at the time you were growing up.
But financially and generally in life, doing the right thing has to be its own reward.
Michelle Singletary welcomes comments and column ideas.
