Dear Mr. Berko: Back in 2002 or 2003, you wrote a column about herding sheep and related that to Congress. I don’t remember the specifics of that column, but it was sort of a parody of how Congress is able to easily pass so many bills that control the way we live. Most of us, like sheep, follow along with hardly any complaining. That column was a masterpiece, and I’d appreciate a rewrite because I’d like to share it with some friends.
— HS, Oklahoma City
Dear HS: The column you refer to was about feral hogs, not sheep. The credit belongs to Florida’s Lawton Chiles. Chiles, fondly known as the He-Coon, was the governor and a U.S. senator. He passed away in 1998. He was only 68 when he passed, and Chiles was one of the few politicians whose death caused me to feel sad. Chiles told the following story to a group of businessmen in 1985, and here’s my paraphrase of how it may have sounded:
“While I was having an intense discussion about Congress with a Florida Cracker I’ve known for over 30 years, he suddenly changed topics and challenged me with a question: ‘Do you know how we catch hogs here in the Panhandle, senator?’ I was flummoxed by the abrupt change in conversation. But I knew quite a bit about animal husbandry and gave him a darn good answer. He smiled appreciatively and then said, ‘That ain’t what I had in mind.’ Then he proceeded to give me his answer.
” ‘First,’ he said, ‘you gotta pick a fine open spot in these here woods and seed it with corn. Them hogs can’t see good, but they can smell that corn a mile in any direction. And pretty soon, they starts comin’ every day to feast ’cause it sure beats rootin’ and searchin’ for food. Then when them hogs gets real comfortable comin’ every day for the easy corn, you build a sturdy 40-foot fence wall down one side of the open woods where them hogs is used to comin’. The fence wall will make them hogs a little shy, but after a few days, they’ll come round back again to eat the easy corn. And when them hogs starts paying no mind to that 40-foot section you built, you build another 40-foot section. They’ll shy away for a time, but they’ll soon be comin’ back. And you continue to do this until you have all four sides of the fence built, with a swing gate on the final side. And now you got yourself a big corral. Well, them hogs sure ain’t the smartest animals in them woods, but they sure is used to the easy corn and will soon be comin’ through the gate. And when enough of them comes through, you slam the gate shut, and you now got yourself a big swine herd easy as blackbird pie. Them hogs will get excited and run around the corral gruntin’, squealin’ and pawin’, but they won’t be able to push themselves past that sturdy fence. So it don’t take long till they go back to eatin’ that easy corn. And it don’t take long till them hogs is so accustomed to the easy corn that they forget how to forage for themselves.’ Welcome to captivity.
