OK, I admit it. I love all those crazy Top 10 lists. Frankly, I can’t get enough of them.
Why just the other day I ran into a Top 10 list of banned baby names. No, really. This list exists. My favorite was the No. 2 banned name: Brfxxcxxmnpccclllmmnprxvclmnckssqlbb11116.
Oh my!
The Columbian will do its own Top 10 story list Sunday. But I wanted in on the fun, too. So I put together a Don’t Do Stupid Stuff Top 10 list, leaving one spot open. That one’s up to you. Let’s get started:
9. Nope. Don’t read it.
County Environmental Services Director and state Sen. Don Benton tells me he never, ever — ever! — reads my column. “I have never read one of your columns … hate to disappoint. I hear you write like crap, but admittedly, that is hearsay.”
Donny! Try reading. It might mellow you out.
8. Mo … car … money!
Commissioner Tom Mielke gets his county car allowance increased to $700 a month. He defends it by saying … oh never mind. I can never understand what this guy is saying when he opens his pie hole, so you’ll just have to trust him.
7. The $30,000 smile
Vancouver ships the city manager a $30,000 — $30,000 !! — per year raise. Then the city hires a $30,000 facilitator who suggests councilors be more “jovial.”
We know at least one guy in city government who’s more jovial.
6. My home is your home
The Vancouver school board gives a last-minute public notice — on a Sunday! — that it plans to hold a public meeting Monday morning. The public meeting just happens to be at a school board member’s house.
Surprisingly, no one from the public shows up.
I would suggest the school superintendent open up his personal office shower to members of the public so they can cool down.
5. Dance fever!
I agree to do the Dancing With The Local Stars fundraiser, but on the day of the competition, I leave behind my right foot, proving that one left foot is actually worse than two left feet.
4. Fireworks
City Councilor Jack Burkman — concerned that little Timmy might be denied the use of sparklers at his birthday party — proposes loosening the fireworks laws. The Columbian immediately reports that sparklers result in more visits to the emergency room than any other type of fireworks. Burkman’s fireworks idea quietly goes down in flames, never to be mentioned again.
3. The Weekly Madorian
County Commissioner David Madore boldly announces that 2014 will be the year he starts his own newspaper. In a January interview with The Columbian, he said it would most likely be a weekly print product with daily Web updates. With only a few days left in the year, there is no sign of his newspaper. Instead, Madore slaps the word “newspaper” on his Facebook page and calls it good.
2. Litter me this
Benton (hey, I can’t help it if he made the list twice) proposes a county litter tax on The Columbian to help pay for a fine levied against the county for not following stormwater guidelines.
Benton says he didn’t need no stinkin’ study to prove The Columbian is clogging up the works. He’s seen it himself. Unfortunately, no one else has seen it. In fact, a resident calls The Columbian to say he actually has seen old “Benton for Senate” campaign signs in the ditch he walks by every day. We go out with the reader and locate Benton’s litter.
Benton quickly ships me an email. He calls our reporters “Sensationalism fabricators.” He continues by saying that I “planted one of (his) campaign signs to create a negative story.” County Manager Mark McCauley, is this the kind of person you want representing the county?
I’m thinking former Republican Vice President Spiro Agnew would be proud. Agnew once called reporters “Nattering nabobs of negativism.” Oh yeah, the litter tax on The Columbian quietly fades away.
o o o
And the No. 1 Don’t Do Stupid Stuff item is (dramatic pause required here) …
1. He Deserves It
State Rep. Jim Moeller. Just because.
