That was a pretty bad sentence Vancouver’s Damian Alabakoff wrote about twitchy knees and steam engines, but it wasn’t the worst opening sentence of the year. That gem introduced a seafaring saga featuring a dead moose.
Alabakoff earned dishonorable mention in the 32nd Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest. The challenge: Write a bad opening sentence to an imaginary novel.
The contest was inspired by the opening line penned by George Edward Bulwer-Lytton: “It was a dark and stormy night.” The contest’s namesake didn’t create the literary landmark, but he used it to open his 1830 novel “Paul Clifford.”
In that spirit, Alabakoff wrote:
“He was waiting for the call seated behind his desk, his right knee bouncing up and down like the piston of a one-cylinder steam engine – the kind old guys restore and stand proudly next to at the county fair hoping someone will stop and ask about it but they never do as the engine thumps and sputters in rhythm like an anxious guy seated behind his desk bouncing his knee up and down.”
Alabakoff drew his inspiration from the Clark County Fair, where he’s watched those steam-power enthusiasts sitting next to their engines.
The aircraft mechanic, who works for UPS at Portland International Airport, was one of 67 writers recognized this year. Thousands of people send in submissions every year, contest director Scott Rice said, but he no longer tallies up an exact count.
Rice is a retired English and literature professor at San Jose State University, where the contest originated in 1982; it went public in 1983.
Alabakoff heard about the contest maybe 10 years ago when it was featured on a public radio newscast. But he forgot the name.
“I always knew it as the ‘Dark and Stormy Night’ contest,'” Alabakoff said. “A few months ago, I was bored or something and Googled ‘Dark and Stormy Night contest’ and saw, ‘Oh, anybody can enter!’
“I entered it online. I think I sent four entries.”
One entry was more than one sentence. When Rice reminded him of the one-sentence rule, Alabakoff did a quick edit: “I took all the periods out.”
Well, all but the last one.
With the one-sentence format, Rice calls it “a contest for people with short-winded muses.” Still, some entries are hundreds of words long.
The 2014 grand prize winner is another Washington writer, Elizabeth Dorfman of Bainbridge Island:
“When the dead moose floated into view the famished crew cheered — this had to mean land! — but Captain Walgrove, flinty-eyed and clear headed thanks to the starvation cleanse in progress, gave fateful orders to remain on the original course and await the appearance of a second and confirming moose.”
Genre winners were selected in 10 categories, including romance, science fiction and crime.
Some entries for 2015 are already in.
“They come in every day of the year,” Rice said.
He reads the submissions as they arrive and tags the better prospects. He is assisted by “panels of undistinguished judges,” including former winners.
The Associated Press quit covering the contest two years ago. Now Rice looks online for a winner’s hometown newspaper, then sees if it has a “submit a news tip” feature.
The grand prize includes a cash award of $150. But the Bulwer-Lytton Contest is not rooted in — as one author wrote — “the pursuit of the almighty dollar.”
It’s all about the power of the written word, the notion that — as an author once noted — “The pen is mightier than the sword.”
According to Rice’s research, both phrases were penned by George Edward Bulwer-Lytton.
Bits ‘n’ Pieces appears Fridays and Saturdays. If you have a story you’d like to share, email bits@columbian.com.
