So, it’s May. For me, that means chucking crumpled dollars at freeloading graduates and reminiscing about my own glory days as a proud college student.
I attended the University of Missouri, which henceforth in this column shall be referred to by its proper name: The Greatest Institution In the History of Mankind. Mizzou, or TGIHM, taught me everything I knew — or at least, that’s how I explained away those post-graduation years swimming in student loan debt. I love the place. My heart remains in Columbia. So imagine how embarrassing it was for me to learn that dear ol’ Missouri has as much connection to Pomp and Circumstance as it does Law & Order.
Mizzou football — a program that has only been aligned with the Southeastern Conference for one full season — has had more arrests than any other team in the league, this according to the unofficial count from an LSU beat reporter at the New Orleans Times-Picayune.
Mizzou may never lead the SEC in pass defense but in probation sentences — we’re No. 1!
Now, to be fair, the report lists players’ arrests since 2010. So the majority of Mizzou’s 18 lock-ups happened when the Tigers were still the bad boys of the Big 12.
Listen, I get it. Nobody’s perfect, and I’m the last one to shake a finger or point a gavel. But still — Holy Incarceration, Batman! That’s 18 arrests in three years … since when did Lindsay Lohan become their starting strong safety?
Do you realize how incredibly difficult it is to be the most misbehaving SEC team? The one program that Nick Saban frowns at and says, Wow, you guys could use some discipline. It’s like being labeled as the worst quarterback on the New York Jets.
I’m an indefensibly blind and audaciously proud TGIHM alum, and for the first time in my life I understand the dilemma that many college football fans have grappled with since the invention of the forward pass: Just how exactly do you stay dedicated through the delinquency?
Hey, Wazzu fan, as you read the team’s roster on the Pullman Police blotter — I feel your pain.
Washington State junior linebacker Logan Mayes became the third Cougar to be arrested in two weeks. At this rate, Mike Leach should consider adding a criminal defense attorney to the coaching staff.
Psst, early 90s UW devotee with your commemorative Billy Joe Hobert bobble head — show me how to deal.
Although coach Don James resigned in the face of looming penalties, he’s remembered as a choirboy next to the 2000 Washington Huskies and the off-the-field actions by some members.
And you there, the one in the funky fluorescent jersey praying that the almighty NCAA doesn’t rain locusts upon Autzen Stadium — here’s a shoulder.
The silence from the NCAA could be a sign that Oregon football may not face additional punishment for alleged recruiting actions. Then again, Chip Kelly bolted for a reason, right?
Looking past my alma mater’s issues — just a nicer word than “dysfunction” — could take some work. Maybe a little less work if the darned guys hadn’t just gone 5-7.
My gosh, if you’re going to commit felonies as a college football player, at least be competitive. After all, Miami once taught us that a five-star parolee with 4.5 speed in the 40-yard-dash could be easier to forgive.
And nothing quite soothes the occasional recruiting faux pas like a Rose Bowl victory, as USC has demonstrated.
But wait — impressionable recent grads may be reading this. I shouldn’t sell my soul so easily just to beat ‘Bama. So, on that front, better set an example for the future generation.
Just like fans all the world over, I’ll simply have to learn how to balance rooting for the home team while regretting the sporadic moments of misconduct. It may be the greatest lesson that college has taught me.
Candace Buckner is a sports reporter for The Columbian. She’s currently cheering for Mizzou in the NCAA Softball Super Regional, because her college diploma tells her to. Her Twitter handle is @blazerbanter.
