What to make of “The Last Witch Hunter”? It’s too self-reflective to be an entertaining mess of unintentional hilarity, but none of the actual scripted punchlines land. The premise itself could possibly work, if the nonsensical screenplay didn’t throw everything at it to see what sticks. There are moments where it achieves the highest camp, and times where it strives for something attempting dark grittiness, and that middle ground is a brutal no-man’s-land. Like that other witch hunter movie, “Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters,” this film is completely looney tunes, and it only half knows it.
Star Vin Diesel pushes the powers of his racial ambiguity to the max in a prologue that outlines the origin story of his witch hunter character. About 800 years ago, Kaulder (Diesel) tromps around a forest in his best Euro-tribal drag, complete with inexplicable gingery beard and a fierce weave. He corners the Witch Queen, who’s made of tree roots and bees; she has brought a “black plague” upon humanity. He skewers her with his fire sword, but not before she curses him to live forever.
Fast forward to present day and Kaulder has adopted the cue ball hairdo that is Diesel’s trademark. He’s been at this witch hunting game for a while, which means he has powers to deduce the presence of witches by fogging up windows with his breath and whispering “magic!” He’s got a sick ride and an entire order of priests dedicated to basically being his personal assistants. Sir Michael Caine is his favorite priest assistant and best friend.
Caine dies, and is replaced by Elijah Wood. Kaulder suspects black magic, and the plot is off and running. Here is a list of things that appear in this movie: maggot cupcakes, magical butterflies, a gummi bear tree, a witch council where a wizard informs them they look like a terrible ’80s band (they do), Elijah Wood wearing a white stretch turtleneck, a witch fashion show, a maraschino cherry filled with memory potion mixed up by Rose Leslie, a pastry chef eaten by a tree, and a witch queen whose main super power is controlling bees.
