Fellow Clark Countians, our long nightmare is over. The No. 1 crisis in our community is averted. For the first time in three months, the traffic lights on Hazel Dell Avenue at 81st and 82nd streets no longer flash red and instead show all three colors, as our Founding Fathers intended. Hallelujah! Now we can proceed to the No. 2 crisis in our community: whether dogs should be allowed at Vancouver Farmers Market.
(Can you tell I’ve been editing letters to the editor? Is it that obvious?)
You know, here we sit, the richest, fattest people in the world, wallowing in the most luxurious lifestyle in human history, and yet we whine, whimper and wail about the slightest aggravations. Just two centuries after Sacagawea trudged from today’s North Dakota to the Pacific Ocean with her infant son, spent a rain-soaked winter in a makeshift fort with a bunch of smelly men and then marched back home … and we’ve got our lower lips stuck out because of defective traffic lights. Here’s a news flash: If you happen upon a blinking red light, do not panic! Instead, drive more cautiously and more courteously. You might even conclude (as a few of us already have) that flashing red lights should be installed at every intersection.
As for the No. 2 local crisis, dogs at Vancouver Farmers Market, the last time I checked, the market was pulling in great crowds, weather permitting. About half of the people I saw at the market looked like dog-haters trolling for excremental evidence to fuel their fury, and the rest were dog-lovers eager to show off their affable mutts. All the while, the merchants smiled broadly at this growing confluence of customers.
News flash No. 2: Attendance at the farmers market is optional, and as a group, the poor pooches don’t behave much worse than the spoiled kids.
Speaking of dogs …
These two faux catastrophes are emblematic of the shallow indignation that led me (many years ago at another newspaper) to coin the phrase “Hounds of Whinerville.” Columbian archives reveal that I’ve deployed the label in about two dozen columns, and now I wonder if a published definition might be in order. How can you tell if you’re a Hound of Whinerville? Well, the dominant trait is worshipping the status quo, or maybe even the status quo ante. If you are overly reminiscent, if you abhor change and believe our best days are behind us, then you might be a Hound of Whinerville.
Another characteristic is chronic disregard for established expertise. If you believe another guy’s education, training, certification and experience make him no smarter than you, then you might be a Hound of Whinerville.
A third defining distinction is bullheaded rejection of the inevitable. If you believe the gay marriage issue will some day just go away or that light rail will never cross the Columbia River, you might be a Hound of Whinerville.
The fourth symptom would be abject xenophobia. If you fear and reflexively reject other people and other places just because they are different, you might be a Hound of Whinerville.
Finally, there is the inability to prioritize problems. If you believe protesting airplane noise will benefit society more than volunteering in schools, then you might be a Hound of Whinerville.
That brings us full-circle back to our first two crises. Amazingly, we somehow survived those flashing red lights. The calamity has subsided. Now we can all return to our homes. Regarding the dogs at the farmers market, I might scrub my produce a little more vigorously now, but I’d heck of a lot rather have dogs at the market than cats.
Clark County has dozens of crucial concerns that warrant our study and involvement. Among those on my list are job creation, education funding, adequate resources for police and fire, the proposed casino, continued expansion of WSUV, the proposed BPA power line, more and better roads and bridges, redeveloping the riverfront and our willingness to embrace diversity. These issues could dramatically affect our lives or the lives of our neighbors. It’s all a matter of focus.
Excuse me, now. I’ve got to go polish my spellbinding “Keep Slow Drivers out of Left Lanes!” speech for the next city council meeting.
