It's now five days since my divorce settlement, which was more than a year in coming. (Hooray!) Thanks to my talented attorney, I'm going to stay in my house and keep my dog, two very important aspects of the agreement. But there's more to come: I've got to refinance my mortgage, pay off my soon-to-be ex-husband and make a business plan for my rural property. Exciting and very scary at the same time. Over the three-day weekend my goal is to spend some time outside working on my place, to get my calendar organized and work on a book proposal with the working title, "A Woman's Guide to Retirement," generally the topic of this blog. I'm inspired by my opportunities, but it's still going to be one step at a time...much like the past year has been. I continue to work on the fear factor...my biggest challenge. It's a new world, this being alone, but it's the way I want it --- 60 & Single.

On another note: Those who read this blog regularly will notice on Tuesday that over the weekend we've changed to an new online system. When you return to columbian.com you will find a new look and a slightly different way to access blogs. But I'll still be here with more updates for women interested in financial and retirement planning. Thanks - Julia

On the topic of abandonment.

Early on when my husband told me he was leaving me, I found myself one night after work in Barnes & Noble looking for inspiration and comfort in the self-help book aisle. There I found Susan Anderson's book, "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing." Her book has been at my bedside within easy reach for more than a year as I've made my way forward one day at a time. In the beginning, I read Susan's book with tears running down my face as I desparately struggled with the hurt. Now, I reread certain chapters and paragraphs to remind myself of the progress I've made, to review exercises that have worked the best for me and to seek continued support on my not-so-good days.
A major point in Susan's book is that the grief from abandonment is a different ballgame than the grief suffered when someone dies. "Abandonment is our first fear," Anderson writes. "It is a primal fear - a fear universal to the human experience....the (abandonment) grieving process is similar to bereavement over a death: loss is loss. But abandonment grief has a particular life of its own, stemming from the circumstances that led up to it and from the feelings of rejection and inadequacy that often accompany it. It is because abandonment's knife cuts all the way through to the self that it is so painful," she writes.
Abandonment survivors (and I count myself among them) are those who have experienced the anguish of lost love and have the courage to go on believing in life and in their own capacity for love, Anderson says.
While her book offers many exercises for recovery, among the most effective for me has been the exercise for "staying in the moment" and bringing my full attention to the person with whom I may be sharing that moment. Adding love to that moment is a tremendously empowering experience.
Anderson's book helped me realize that I could build a new life in the house that at one point I viewed as a coffin, that I could find passion in my commitment to new projects, that I could bring helpful information and inspiration to other women who find themselves 60 & Single.
If you are interested in learning more about Susan Anderson, her books and workshops click here.

If you have a story of your own to tell about recovery from abandonment, please add your comments below.   As always - Julia

When Vancouver CPA Karey Schoenfeld and I did the financial planning workshop for 60 & Single women here last April, she mentioned the "Feed the Pig" campaign of her professional association. At the end of our workshop, she handed out cute little plastic pigs meant to remind and encourage our workshop attendees to save for the future. I have mine sitting on my desk in the kitchen where I pay my bills.
The pig program is part of a national campaign sponsored by the National Institute of Certified Public Accountants. Schoenfeld is president of the Oregon chapter this year. According to the pig Web site,  "Money shouldn't drive your future. But neither should debt. It's time for you to take control. Get what you deserve. Not just today. Your whole life. Just remember: small changes add up. Take steps to start saving today and you’ll build a solid financial future tomorrow." Click here to go to the Feed the Pig Web site and find out more about its helpful programs. 

Hi 60 & Single gang.

Below are a few "money" quotes from well-known women, just to get us back in the blog groove. More about the women I met during my vacation, later. - Julia

"We can tell our values by looking at our checkbook stubs." - Gloria Steinem.

"There are people who have money and people who are rich." - Coco Chanel

"Success produces success, just as money produces money." - Diane Ackerman

"People first, then money, then things" .- Suze Orman

"I started on a very high note and I was always able to choose. I want to be able to do that until my last breath. And to do that, you have to have money." - Claire Bloom

"Let us not be satisfied with just giving money. Money is not enough, money can be got, but they need your hearts to love them. So, spread your love everywhere you go" .- Mother Teresa

Hi 60 & Single gang....

Hey, I'm taking a time-out for a few days of vacation. I'll return Thursday, Aug. 21 with new thought-provoking blog items for women either planning for retirement or dealing with retirement. I'll also be announcing a fall workshop on Social Security geared to women. Look for details.

Meanwhile, here's a list of some of my recent favorite blogs.
- Buying the right car: Top 10 least expensive cars  from Forbes.
- Men marry younger women, a lot younger.  What the statistics say.
- Five mistakes women make in planning for retirement.
- Social Security, women and divorce.
- Why women should support credit card reform.
See below.

Back soon,
Julia

The 2003 Mazda Protege that I commute  daily to work in has been a wonderful asset in these times of high gas prices. At 33 mpg, the Protege is among the most fuel-efficient small cars on the road. But I worry all the time about my car... when do I need to change the oil, how much farther can I go on these tires, does it need a brake job? When should I trade it for something newer?
The best advice is buy used, pay cash and keep your car for as long a possible. For those of us 60 & Single a car is a big deal and a big expense. If you are in the market for a car, Forbes magazine is out this week with a list of the least expensive-to-drive cars. According to Forbes, "you'll need to do some homework as to what you'll be spending money on the instant you drive off the lot.  And gauging what's most important to you--- be it fuel efficiency or depreciation or reliability---could quickly sway your purchasing decision."  Click here for the Forbes article.

PS. Heaven is a bowl of fresh peaches and your own blueberries with sugar and cream for breakfast.

 A couple of blogs back and in my Sunday Columbian business section print column, I wrote about Five Mistakes Women Make in Managing Their Money for Retirement. Retired Vancouver certified financial planner Paul Lambshead responded with Mistake No. 6.

Below are his comments:

"Great article on 'Women & Retirement' in today's paper, Julia!  For the space allotted you covered alot of territory, and included excellent resources for interested readers.  As a recently retired financial advisor (whose practice focused mostly on pre-retirees) I'd like to suggest one more important "mistake" that is the undoing of many women (and men!) - and that is, attempting to 'go it alone'.
Embarrassment re: lack of financial acumen, and/or the fear of being taken advantage of by a lousy financial planner (of which there are many out there . . . similar to car mechanics, salesmen, real estate agents, dentists, etc.) frequently keeps people from the seeking the advice and support they need from a qualified & experienced  '3rd party'.
The good news is that there is now a 'ton' of good information (books, Web, print) readily available to educate oneself.  Unfortunately however, most clients who come to us wish they had come years or decades sooner, and by their own admission are so over-loaded with information (and life!) that they are paralyzed and often fail to act on what they know (or make poor decisions based on emotional considerations overriding rational).
In addition to encouraging serious persons to educate themselves about the complex financial world we live in, we need to help them find & choose a reputable professional who is capable of understanding their life dreams/goals, and assisting in their developing appropriate strategies/plans for achieving them.  Both the Financial Planning Association (www.fpanet.org) and the National Association of Personal Financial Advisors (www.napfa.org) offer tools and advice for how best to go about this selection process.  In addition, most planning firms offer a no cost, no obligation 'interview' for prospective clients, and are more than willing to demonstrate the cost/benefit analysis of their services.
Finally . . . in these days of cutbacks & downsizing at the Columbian and elsewhere, all of us in this community are appreciative of the quality articles and nuanced thinking you and your colleagues continue to bring to us each day . . . thank you!    

Sincerely,
Paul Lambshead, CFP

Good morning.....

Among the many fascinating facts I've run across in researching women and retirement is a recent Stanford University study that proves what we've always known:  The older a man is when he marries after 40, the greater the likelihood that his bride will be significantly younger....whether the man is wealthy and educated or not.  Men in their 40s tend to marry women an average of seven years younger, and men in their 50s are marrying brides who average 11 years younger, according to the Stanford research conducted by Paula England, a university sociologist and co-author of the study. All we have to do is look around and see how much younger the wives of men over 60 are. A story in the San Jose Mercury News points to Dennis Kucinich, John McCain, Larry Ellison, Donald Trump and Larry King as a few examples of older men with much younger wives. But according to the study, it's not just rich men who find younger wives. Men who marry in their 60s, hook up with women who on average are 13 years younger.
Why is this a big deal to 60 & Single women? Because 47 percent of women 65 to 79 years of age are on their own, single with many still working to keep a roof over their heads. How many men in the same age group are singe? Only 25 percent, according to an AARP Foundation study. From my limited observations in the past year, men don't stay single very long. Three men I know who either because of divorce or death lost their wives have already moved on to new relationships. One is getting married this month, another has moved in with a girlfriend he met on the Internet and another is "chatting" with a woman friend by e-mail. Most women I know who've lost a relationship spend time grieving, picking up the pieces, thinking about the meaning of life. Men don't do that as much. The Stanford study did say that some women break the age mold by marrying younger men. About 7 percent of married women are at least four years older than their husbands.
In first marriages, the age difference is only 2,.2 years with the women being younger So what's the bottom line for 60 & Single women? We look really good to 75-year-old men.

W 

Hi 60 & Single gang: Here's a head's up. I'll be making a TV appearance at 9 a.m. Friday on KATU-TV's live morning talk show AM Northwest. Here's the show's Web site.
My topic? You guessed it....women and retirement. See you then. - Julia

Meanwhile, the money blog at MSN.com features several contributors including Washington resident Donna Freedman. Her latest essay is on "Shopping Outside the Box." According to Donna, shopping outside the box is a great way to practice stealth stock-up. You can grab deeply discounted sugar and a couple cans of fruit while picking up your prescription at the pharmacy, or snare a big package of coffee filters for free with spent ink cartridges while buying loss-leader school supplies.  For Donna's comments Click here.

Studies show that women tend to indulge themselves in short-term shopping rewards more than men. Because we are multi-tasking all day long to keep home life and work on track, a little indulgence in a new pair of shoes or a massage or maybe a swing by Nordstrom's is something we tell ourselves that we deserve. As a result, women save less, have substantial credit card debt and are not putting away enough for retirement. So what's the balance? Are we supposed to become spartans with no fun in our lives?
There's another way, says writer Trent Hamm in an essay at  Get Rich Slowly.  All we need to do is replace the expensive treats with less expensive substitutes. Once we establish the new routine we won't feel deprived. To read his essay, click here. 
This change is especially tough for those of us 60 & Single who must face the reality of a lower standard of living in retirement. But happiness awaits.

Women can collect a Social Security retirement benefit based on the work record of an ex-husband, and it won't affect the latter's retirement benefit -- or the benefit of that person's current spouse, if he or she has remarried. In fact, the Social Security Administration won't even notify a person if an ex-spouse collects a retirement benefit based on that person's earnings record. For more details Click Here.

Hi 60 & Single gang.... I attended the retirement party for a long-time colleague of mine, Gregg Herrington last night. Besides catching up with many people I've worked with at The Columbian, the conversations often turned to jobs and to retirement. Yes, it's on all our minds.

Thanks to anonymous for the comments below on my "Girls and Math" blog from a few days ago.

"My question for our blogsters..did your parents send different or consistent messages about your need to plan for a financial future? Your entries make me reflect on the messages my mother sent on the importance of education and being able to take care of oneself. She emphasized the importance of education and jobs skills because you could not always expect that your husband would be around to take care of you. Being somewhat of a romantic, I thought she meant he might die, and I would be the heroine in a tragic paperback novel, searching for security and love. She really meant he might divorce me, or I might want to ditch him. My mother divorced when whe was in her late 40's, went on an agressive savings plan for retirement, and today lives on her own. She can tell you about her investments and, like your mom, about the interest rates she earns. My father was the dominant financial voice in our home and his lessons about thrift,lending and planning for the future left an indelible mark (some people say scar) on my life. He emphasized education and job skills too, but with a second message. Educate a girl and you educate a family. " - Anon.

Any thoughts?

A friend was telling me the other day about a former co-worker who was retired and doing a lot of traveling. As we chatted, we both came to the same realization that our widowed 60 & Single friend was a good money manager, but she also had the benefit of her deceased husband's retirement assets. As a result she ended up with a nice nest egg. That is not the case for women who -- for reasons not of their own choosing -- divorce.  Divorce is pretty much the worst thing that financially can happen to women because they lose half or more of their household income, they lose their husband's retirement assets and end up living on a much a smaller Social Security payout and meager retirement fund because they earn less and typically are employed fewer years over their work life. If the divorce comes later in life (after 50), the consequences are the worst. Carol Ann Wilson, co-founder of WIFE.com has written a book called, "The ABCs of Divorce for Women." Below are tips from her book. Click here for more. 

When Divorcing Always Be

• Careful - Many mistakes in divorce are made by not thinking carefully about the results of your choices.

• Cognizant - Learning as much as possible about the divorce process will make it easier for you to have realistic goals and expectations.

• Centered -The "money crazies" of divorce can make it hard for you to focus on what's really important  try to remain centered.

• Courageous -Women, especially, often have a hard time standing up for themselves and getting what they deserve. Take control of the divorce process and be courageous in pursuing what you need and deserve.